I am trying to fill my days with company. Evenings aren’t so bad. There is a chance of finding something half decent to watch, but the days can seem to me interminably long and somehow sadly pointless. Especially when it’s your Wedding Anniversay.
I don’t think I am a natural nurse. Don’t get me wrong I am very efficient and probably quite good, but I don’t ooze sympathy and patience. But nursing usually is made more purposeful by your patient improving. Nursing someone who is getting slowly sicker is a very particular kind of thing and it’s obvious to me now how much of my time and thought was taken up by it. Now… I feel a bit surplus to requirements and it’s an uphill battle to fight the demons. It’s your head that does you in; your mind wanders when not amused and you recall memories that are not helpful. The time not so long ago when there was nothing left to try, when he held me tight and said, “I’m done for now aren’t I P?” All I could do was smile and nod. That was no time for lies and false optimism.
And this is no way to start another week. I have had a good weekend. Been for a walk with my friend and her dog on the hill which was a whole lot more eventful than we would have wished. More of that another time. Friends for a meal in the evening, after which I fell asleep. More friends invited me for Sunday lunch, where I fell asleep again. This keeping perky lark must be very draining. God how I miss my best friend.
Groovy Word of the day. Melancholy